Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Whod you bang
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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