the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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