I wish you could order shots online.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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