You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
