I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just gargled with NyQuil
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
