I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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