Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
