how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
