I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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