it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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