I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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