Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
