my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
