Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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