So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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