dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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