Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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