I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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