I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
