his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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