just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
