She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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