this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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