I accidentally burped into my bong.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
