watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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