I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
