you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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