Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
