Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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