I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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