My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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