you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
