yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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