Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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