my phone needs a breathalizer
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
