I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
