I am midnight drunk by noon
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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