there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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