I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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