He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
