she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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