apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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