i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
