I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
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I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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