rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
