Can Purell be used as lube?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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