the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm too high and old for this...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
