the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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