Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
