i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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