the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
