She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
