I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
