My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
