So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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