I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
