Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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